Louise's story (Amey employee)
I had been married for 8 years before my husband asked me for a divorce. Things had not been easy for many years with money and he had spent a lot of time out of work, unable to find a job. I had in the same period, continued to work, had 2 periods of maternity leave and was successfully promoted, advancing my career and becoming a senior manager. I had become the ‘bread-winner’ and the sole earner.
Over time the resentment got worse. Jealous that I was out at work and begrudged of his role as stay-at-home Dad. It affected his mental-health and he developed more and more narcissistic traits. I was convinced by him that the only way of him finding work was to pay for an executive search agency, pay for a 2 week trip for him to find work in Dubai, pay for fulltime childminding for 2 children (8am – 6pm every weekday) so he could focus on looking for work. I had to buy him expensive clothes for interviews, so he looked the part – it was untenable and we nearly lost the house.
He felt trapped and I found that I loved going to work more and more to escape the negativity. Relationships go through tough times, so I never gave up; but felt so unhappy. His narcissism put his needs at the centre of everything and all I really wanted was to make him happy. He controlled the finances and always pleaded poverty, so I felt the pressure to work harder and harder. I was shattered working long hours, but he would criticise my parenting and how I did the housework. He made sure he had down time as he needed a break from the children but if I went out on my own, I was “selfish”.
On the weekends he would go out for his sanity, but I would have to justify if I wanted to go out with my friends. I remember getting dressed up one night and coming down to ask, “how do I look?” his response was “you look like you are wearing a bin bag!” which really knocked my self-confidence.
Then it went badly wrong. I had a friendship with a male colleague. I was accused of having an affair, which was not the case. He took control of my email accounts, searched through my phone, contacted the person in question and threatened them. He got nastier and nastier and then he physically dragged me out of the house in front of my children and verbally abused me regularly calling me names in front of my eldest son (6).
That was just the start of the control. I had to call in every 10 mins and if I was in meetings I would get pressured as to where I was. Overnight stays for work was normal for me; but it stopped, and I had to make excuses for why I couldn’t work away or stay with his family.
After 3 months of living like this he decided that he wanted a separation and asked me to leave. He thought I would go but I had not done anything wrong and I was never going to leave my children. If I left the house, I was fearful I’d never see them again and I would have had to continue to pay for all the bills and couldn’t afford to find a second home. I was scared.
I had no choice but to stay. He didn’t make it easy! I became a prisoner in my own home for 18 months, living in my eldest son’s room, controlling the children and blocking me from spending time with them until the court hearings could be settled for both the finances and arrangements for the children. He wanted me to leave, so that he could keep the children and for me to maintain them as he had no income. He made my life a living hell, he was manipulative and made me feel like I was going insane. He would do odd things that made my everyday life difficult but deny he had done anything, then state I was imagining things and that I had done it - not him (gaslighting me). I stayed for the children. I’ll spare the details of the emotional abuse and coercion and control I experienced; needless to say it almost broke me.
It made me ill, I lost so much weight with the stress, I started to believe him and doubt myself as a mother, I was slowly going insane with fear and grief. I eventually went to speak to HR as I thought I would have to give up my job to make sure I could be with my children. My employer provided reassurance that I wasn’t going to lose my job and that I could work flexibly around the children to keep a full time role. I had a period of time off to rebuild my mental health strength before court hearings. The support from the company gave me the security I needed; and then enabled me to return to work with no judgement and work full time as a single parent for 5 years continuing to advance my career.
If it wasn’t for colleagues, managers and senior leadership support I dread to think of how it would have ended up.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Amey is here to support you.