Nick's story (Amey employee)
It was 2012 when a seemingly successful attractive woman agreed to a drink with me and for the first three years, (until she became pregnant) everything on the surface showed a loving, balanced and honest relationship. Little did I realise that the first signs of domestic abuse had started to materialise. I was happy, successful, confident, generous and trusting; and enjoyed a full social life in addition to several hobbies.
I felt lucky to have found someone who welcomed my eldest child as their own, wanted to discuss the day’s events with me and actively participated in social events and activities with me. The reality was, she was a woman who had spotted my vulnerabilities and was systematically reducing my freedoms and taking everything she could from me.
At this point I had recently started a new job in a management position with a high amount of pressure, but I was relishing the challenge and had discussed which offer to accept with my new partner prior to agreeing to take the position. I had a child from a previous relationship who was still only young, whom I had enjoyed a close and loving relationship with. Then one normal day my eldest started screaming when I collected them from their mother’s house, and even opened the door of a moving car in an attempt to escape from coming to my new home. This was the last time my eldest child came to my new home, until the relationship had ended. There is a social stigma attached to men admitting they are suffering from domestic abuse, which leads many cases to remain unheard, men to suffer in silence, and allow the woman perpetrators to escape justice.
My abuser thrived on confrontational behaviour, and with every disagreement between us, the level of her physical and emotional abuse deepened. Over time I lost myself completely. I began to see being kicked awake in the morning or abusive phone calls and ever more controlling behaviour as normal, she controlled who I saw, what I wore, what we spent money on and looking back I can see that she was spending our money on herself and what she wanted at my expense. Whilst isolating my eldest child further, blaming him. She wouldn’t even allow me to mention my eldest child to our child and therefore they didn’t meet each other until 6 months after she had left and my youngest was almost 4 years old.
She verbally abused me in front of an audience, on the telephone and at home - calling me constantly and shouting at me for being 30 minutes later than expected even when I had been travelling for up to 4 hours to get home. On discovering she was having multiple affairs, I was forced to review my life with her and the future that my children would have, if I continued to allow this woman into our lives. I finally found the courage, after discussing the affairs with a close friend to seek help. When I filed for a divorce, the abuse escalated and the odd punch or kick turned into more physical beatings, name calling and threats of more severe violence or that she would take everything from me, and I would never see her child again. Of course, he was my child too, but this constant threat and abuse resulted in me needing support for mental health issues that I started to suffer from as a result.
The Police had to get involved and a court order was put in place. This did not stop her, she broke the court order the night after we attended family court, and I was advised by the Police to put furniture across the door whilst I slept so that she couldn’t stab me in my sleep. I had to avoid the bleach she had mixed into the gin bottles, put up with the cat muck left in my new bedroom, and watch as she ripped shelves off the wall and smashed wardrobes, mirrors and furniture.
Finally, I was on my way back from a theme park with my youngest after getting it in writing that I could take him out for the day, and I arrived back to what can only be described as a wild animal. Accusing me of kidnap, she had called the Police who arrived shortly after I got home. The Police were very good and quickly determined who was not in a sound state of mind. She was removed from the property and was strongly advised not to return.
In 2019, I was free of her, but the scars would take much longer to heal.
The healing process was slow, but almost immediately I reaped the benefits of a calmer normal existence. Whilst I had to contend with her lying to friends and the court, everyone saw through these lies and justice was finally served. I hadn’t realised that I had lost who I was but finding myself again was the most rewarding feeling. The reality of living through such events with nobody to share it with and overcoming the physical and mental abuse has made me feel even stronger as a person, and much wiser in spotting the signs.
To this day, only a select few know the details of what I lived through as I still feel the social inequality of domestic abuse victims and how men are viewed if they admit a woman is abusing them. I did inform my employer, who were exceptionally supportive, and allowed me some flexibility whilst I sorted out short term issues such as Police interviews and court hearings, but also more longer term issues such as childcare. I hope my story will help you come forward and get the help you need to overcome and recover, so that you too can enjoy your life again.
Today, I have a much closer relationship with both my children, my parents, family and friends. I have started to enjoy hobbies again and am free to socialise, all things I didn’t see disappear, until they were lost completely. Don’t leave it too late like I did, get out and get your life back, you will be proud of yourself, and enjoy the important things to you once more.