Helen's story (Amey employee)
I’d been working at Amey for just over a year when I met my ex in 2010. Initially, I was flattered by his compliments and possessive nature. I never understood that this was the foundations of coercive control which would lead to me enduring years of emotional, verbal and physical abuse.
My family and friends thought they never saw much of me because I was ‘loved up’. The truth was I was not allowed. This control even extended to his own family, where I was not allowed to speak to them, unless he gave ‘permission’.
The first couple of years were the honeymoon period and I was blindsided by being in love with him. Throughout the relationship I was never allowed to use social media and had to explain where I was throughout every day and answer every phone call, even to the extent of several calls per hour. If I missed a telephone call he would punish me with hour long interrogations or days of ‘silent treatment’.
Work was my escape, as it was the only place I was eventually allowed to go where he was not there, it was the only place I felt like I could really be myself. But even that became difficult because of his behaviour. Every single day he made my life a nightmare while I was in work.
I was accused daily of having affairs with people while I was in work, he wouldn’t care that I was working, or whether I had a meeting, he would bombard me with phone calls. I was questioned anytime I arrived home later than his expectations. I was not allowed to attend social events.
There were occasions where I was required to travel to different locations, if I booked overnight accommodation, he would make me video call him to show him around the hotel room when I arrived and before bed, so that he knew no one else was there. I would not be allowed to car share, neither could I go for dinner with colleagues if they were travelling for the same purpose and staying at the same hotel. It became difficult to make excuses to my colleagues or manager. Eventually it became easier to commute there and back, meaning there were often occasions where I’d leave the house at 3am to drive 4 hours, do a full day’s work on arrival, drive 4 hours back home getting back late at night, and doing the same the following day without my employer knowing.
There were times I’d had to get changed because he didn’t approve of what I was wearing for work. He’d even sometimes take my car so I couldn’t get to work. If I received a call or text from a male colleague, I’d be interrogated over who it was, how old he was, how I knew him, what he looked like, where he was based… some of this information I didn’t know but would be accused of lying when I didn’t know. My colleagues would often hear the abuse I received when I answered his calls which was embarrassing. He would turn up at my place of work giving me abuse in front of colleagues too. He knew I loved my job and was basically trying to destroy the one last bit of independence I had.
We had a child together in 2014. For the first 5 years of his life, he witnessed all of this abuse, I only later found out that this meant that he was also being emotionally abused. I didn’t appreciate how him witnessing this abuse would affect him. Until he began disclosing his fears that “Daddy is going to hurt Mummy” to his schoolteachers. It was at this point I knew I had to leave for his sake. I just knew it wasn’t going to be easy, wasn’t sure how I was going to leave, was scared of the repercussions and even questioned whether I was imagining the abuse.
It was only as I began opening up to a small number of people in work, people who were not family and friends who I knew would not give me an emotional response, who told me this relationship and his behaviour were not normal, that I started to truly believe it wasn’t right. I was scared to tell anyone in work, especially management, through fear of being judged. I felt embarrassed. But the support I received from my colleagues, managers, HR and even senior directors was honestly overwhelming. Opening up to them was the best thing I could have done. No one judged me, everyone offered support, both during and outside of working hours. I don’t think those individuals will appreciate the fact that I would not have been able to leave had it not been for them.
During the separation, as you can imagine the abuse intensified, even to the point where my ex was threating to post lies about me on social media, tagging Amey and its clients / stakeholders in. Again, I told my HR Business Partner about every email and threat and was met with nothing but complete support.
I had 2 non molestation orders put in place which didn’t deter him. Eventually I had to install full CCTV around my home, fit Ring doorbells, have it ‘fire proofed’ by the Fire Brigade, the Police installed panic buttons throughout my home and was eventually granted a full restraining order. My son received some intense sessions of therapy provided by Social Services and the school to help with his night terrors, fears and anxiety. There is now a court order in place which prevents his Dad from seeing him until he is 18 years old.
I suddenly found myself in a situation where I was working full time and had sole responsibility for my 7-year-old son, wondering how I am going to make this work.
However, Amey has given me support in a way that enables me to manage my time and have a good work life balance.
I’ve spared the majority of the details regarding my experience but hope that if there’s someone reading this who can relate to it, they’re encouraged to speak to their People Manager, or the People Team, as I still believe it was this that was the turning point in my life. Me and my son would not be living our best life had it not been for the support I’ve received from Amey and we’ll both be forever grateful.